Ugh! Microsoft Money 2003! And I thought Quicken was bad...this thing is outrageous. Oh well, there was no way of knowing until after the purchase. At least I acquired a decent rebate on the product.

In other news, work continues to be a source of angst and irritation. Oh well, at least I have time to update my blog these days...not that I'm saying much tonight, but it's updated, none-the-less. ;-)

I have asked myself the following question many times: What is life and why does it exist? Why am I sitting in this chair right now, trying to figure out why I exist? Once in a great while, I'll create an answer and go with that answer for a time. But then something will happen, I will re-evaluate my life and the answer will get lost and I'll find a new one. I thought all of this very unsettling. Surely there must be one right answer which means that every time I came upon something which I thought was an answer, I was wrong. Now I'm not so sure. I am coming to believe that the purpose of one's life may well change through the natural course of events known as living. For a time, one answer to "Why am I here?" rings true and is true, for that time. Then, something happens and the life changes, thus, the answer changes. Perhaps it would be best to say that there is no right answer, but the fact that we ask the question may say something.

I worry about our species. The human race as a whole seems to have a penchant for trying to annihilate itself. We have great weapons of mass-destruction. In fact, they're so great that in some cases, if used "properly", they would destroy the entire planet and all life there on, save possibly the cockroach and such beasties like it. Why is that? Why do we feel the need to fight and struggle against others of our race? Isn't it enough to struggle through the lessons we have to learn on this planet? Ah, but one might say that it is "just" and "right" to struggle against an oppressor or an oppressive society. Certainly that would be true by most standards so then we must change the question. Why do some feel the need to oppress and control others? Ah ha. Now there is a question. Why do I wish to control my neighbor or a family member? Does it make me better than they are if I can control them, or does it simply mean that they have given me the illusion that I control them and in reality, they are the ones in control? The tower of Psycho-babble looms over head and the Buddhists surround it, snickering under their collective breath. Why is a fish? (No, that is not a typo.) Why is a fish?? My response: Why not?

Perhaps the third option that I sought in my previous post would be to take a look at responsibility. Perhaps I am causing myself undue angst by attempting to take responsibility for areas which are not mine. I think this warrants further investigation.

My therapist describes guilt as anger at self. I think she's probably correct in that assessment. For being someone who dislikes Catholicism because of its apparent guilt-ridden structure, I still seem to carry a lot of it. I am a very angry person some days and I think a good share of that anger is directed at myself. I'm really not the person I expected I would become and I'm angry about that...well, disappointed, anyway. I recently described myself as honor-less. I'm not sure that's true. If I had no honor, I probably wouldn't feel guilt over my actions. If I didn't feel guilt over my actions, then I would be a sociopath. I'm kind of screwed either way. Either I accept the guilt or stop caring completely. Hmm. I wonder if this is another option.

I think I have some general confusion about the whole idea of marriage and divorce. Why do people commit to each other in this fashion of relative permanence when there is a very good likelihood that they will get sick of each other and no longer be happy in said committed relationship? Is it for the good of the individual or the good of the tribe? I think it must be for the survival of the tribe. That actually makes sense. Thus, divorce was frowned upon so heavily because one person's happiness could not out weigh the survival of the tribe. That now makes so much more sense.

Another reason (I think) that people commit to marriage is because they desire the idea of security and permanence. Knowing that virtually no matter what, you'll have someone with whom to sit down to dinner and someone with whom to go to bed has a very interesting appeal. The question I must pose then is, what is the cost of security? I'll probably save my ideas on that for later.

So why is the divorce rate up so much? Probably because people find that they are not happy but since their divorce seems unlikely to heavily impact the tribe, it is not frowned upon anywhere near as much as it used to be. Also, individuals seem to be less concerned with what "others" (i.e. the tribe) think and more concerned with pursuing what is right for them. Well, now that I understand that, I can go bed. :-)

Is it truly possible to have nothing to say? Has everything already been said that needs to be said? That is yet another unknown in the great web of unknowns. Another unknown was posed to me by an acquaintance a few weeks ago. If a question has no answer, is it still a question? I'm not talking about "correct" or "definitive" answers. So for example, "Does God exist?" is still a question because it has an answer. If you don't believe this has an answer, ask your local priest or college student about to take an exam. It doesn't matter that you may disagree; the point is, there is an answer. Unfortunately, I cannot give you an example of a question without an answer. If you can think of one, please email me with the question and I'll answer it for you. ;-)

A day late, but it may just turn out to be acceptable after all. I have recently had the pleasure of activating DSL in my residence. The speed is truly impressive even if the pain of getting here was a shade unpleasant. The first three phone calls assured me that I would have access by midnight on Wednesday. On Wednesday itself, I receive an automated phone call thanking me for my order of DSL and indicating that it will be in place by Saturday. To put it lightly, GWAR!! My phone call to SBC on Wednesday indicated in-house communication issues. Go figure: The phone company with communication issues. How ironic is that?

Installation was interesting, too. The software they send on CD manages to bollix up virtually every form of communication including my VPN connection to work. My only saving grace is that I have a 4 Port Belkin router designed for such things. I placed the necessary information in said router and voila...I can VPN, IM and browse sans SBC interference. I am quite pleased with this little $50 device. If I had a need, I'd buy another one in a heartbeat.

Well, I suppose...enough dawdling. It's well past time to go to work. :|

I find it absolutely amazing how easily I can take something for granted until I don't have it anymore. For example, over the past few days, I have found myself without a scissors in my dwelling. Day to day operations seem to be able to continue relatively normally except for one. Without a scissors (or serrated knife), it can be quite difficult to open a Kwik Trip bag of milk. I had no idea how much I relied on a decent pair of scissors. Fortunately, a general shopping trip to the wondrous Wal-Mart was able to provide me with such necessities. A spatula is also quite important, should one wish to make eggs for breakfast just as is a tweezers should one wish to pluck the occasional errant hair...and let me tell you, if you're even half as furry as I am, you'll have more than the occasional errant hair. :-) So, as someone recently said to me, practice the attitude of gratitude. In other words, be thankful for what you have. It could be so much worse.

Over a month has passed since my last post. I've noted this before (though probably not here): The more life there is to live, the less inclination I seem to have to write about it, at least until it calms down a bit. Well, it seems to be calming down a bit, maybe.

The circle continues. I was rather hoping to skip this part of it this time, but I don't seem to have a lot of choice. I've burned too many bridges with the once-upon-a-family to have any face left and even if I tried to go back to the way things were, it would just happen again. The old "waiting" feelings would surface again and I'd realize after probably another few months that my life slips by and I'm not in it. The solving of such things usually needs more drastic measures...and thus have steps been taken. May God have mercy on my soul.