I am the hole, I am the emptiness,
I am the blackness from which naught escapes.
Unto myself I draw the affections of others, yet I am never full.
I use them, I drain them.
Their life-force flows into me and I consume them.
All of them.
Everyone who has ever loved me is eventually consumed.
And when they are empty husks, I discard them for someone else,
someone fresh, someone whole, someone new,
so that the cycle may start again.

Are you sure you want to love me?
Are you sure you want to be my next meal, my next provider?
How long will you last before you are the emptied vessel?
How long will it take until you are deflated,
until every last drop of humanity has been drawn from you?
Will you even know when it has happened?
Will you ever be able to stop it?
Or will you just feed me,
feed me until there is nothing left of yourself,
until you are a shade, a crumpled wisp tattered by the wind?

Le Stat was an Angel…

If I were to stick to my normal pattern, I'd probably post something dark and dismal here now, but, since it's Friday and the prospect of friends coming over is on the horizon, I think I'll skip it. There really is nothing like having a true friend. To the true friends of mine who read this, know that I love you and thank you for being in my life. (That goes for you too, Qet.)

I'm sure my father-in-law would be gratified to know that I think he said something profound. Actually, he's said a number of profound things. He's also said a number or really silly things, but most humans have. He said (once he started driving again after his eye surgery), "Just because you don't see something doesn't mean it isn't there." He was referring to an incident in which he glanced over his right shoulder, didn't see anything and proceeded to change lanes into the car that was pacing him. He was so used to having been able to see out of that eye that since nothing registered, his brain said, ah, nothing's there.

The profundity of this statement goes beyond his original intent. Yes, just because we didn't see that table leg we just tripped on doesn't mean it isn't there. It just means that it failed to register or we weren't looking. But if we look at this statement from a different perspective, it could mean so much more. Just because we don't see the good intent in someone's heart doesn't mean it isn't there. Just because we don't see the frustration a child is feeling doesn't mean it isn't there. Just because we don't see the value of another human being doesn't mean it isn't there. Just because...well, you get the idea.

I think what I'm trying to say here is that most of us go through life seeing exactly what we expect to see around us, both physically and intellectually. If something unusual does manage to grab out attention, it is often looked at as undesirable as it is likely to represent change. (I'll beat my head on that one some other time.) Try looking around for something different. The obvious choices would be the beauty in the stars or in the sunset/rise. These are great, but try looking for the beauty in your fellow human being. Try seeing the beauty in the hearts of others. You might be surprised at what you find.

Since I started this by mentioning my father-in-law, I feel it only fitting to end it with one of his jokes:

After considering the menu at a local restaurant for several minutes, my father-in-law asked the waitress, "Is the Eggs Benedict served on a chrome platter?"
The waitress gave him a blank stare and said, "Gee, I'm not sure. Why do you ask?"
"Because", he replied, "there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

DANGER! DANGER!
WARNING! -- Excessively BAD poetry ahead.

If you can't stand bad poetry, read no further. If you can't stand "feeling sorry for yourself" poetry, read no further. If you can't stand non-rhyming poetry, read no further.

Remember: You have been warned...

---

I can’t remember where I am,
My dreams have come and most have gone.
A few remain around the fringe
To taunt me here with losing hope.

So I struggle on as I must
Confused and lost, nigh rudderless.
I feel not love, I feel not life,
I feel not hope nor saving grace.

So what then do I feel these days?
A sense of loss, a sense of hate
For a world that has no place
For one, such as I.

Okay, so this really cool chick sends me this link so I decide to try it. Oh, and in case you didn't know already, much of my youth was devoted to the playing of AD&D (a RPG or Role Playing Game.) Some people would say that it was a waste of time, but I would disagree. Role playing taught me many things. If nothing else, math came in very handy. Practical application was another biggy. (Yes, just because you have the wood and iron to build a portcullis, does anyone near you know how to build a portcullis?) It also taught that everyone is important no matter the situation. (A magic user with no spell components can still cut someone's throat in a pinch.) I also learned Team Play. (Unless you are really, really, really good, there is no way in Hades that you'll be able to defeat the army of Orcs that just crested the hill.) I also learned that not everything needs to be a battle. (When you meet the old man with seven canaries flying around his head, be nice. Trust me, be very nice.)

In any case, here's what I turned out to be. In all honesty, I think it's about right.

I Am A: Chaotic Good Half-Elf Bard Ranger

Alignment:
Chaotic Good characters are independent types with a strong belief in the value of goodness. They have little use for governments and other forces of order, and will generally do their own things, without heed to such groups.

Race:
Half-Elves are a cross between a human and an elf. They are smaller, like their elven ancestors, but have a much shorter lifespan. They are sometimes looked down upon as half-breeds, but this is rare. They have both the curious drive of humans and the patience of elves.

Primary Class:
Bards are the entertainers. They sing, dance, and play instruments to make other people happy, and, frequently, make money. They also tend to dabble in magic a bit.

Secondary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.

Deity:
Hanali Cenanil is the Chaotic Good elven goddess of love, beauty, and art. She is also known as the Heart of Gold and Lady Goldheart. Her followers delight in creation and youth, and work to spread happiness, love, and beauty. Their preferred weapon is the dagger.

Find out What D&D Character Are You?

In case you care (which I doubt), Levis for $29.99 at JC Penny. Of course, that's not in this state, but it was fun and a very acceptable price.

I managed to acquire a good (older) 36X CD-ROM off of e-Bay for $4.95 + $10.30 S&H. Not bad, assuming it lasts any time at all.

But my accomplishment for the year just happened early this morning...I finished WarCraft III on "Normal" level. Now I have to finish it on "Hard". Maybe next year.

And, on a more philosophical note, sometimes the rocky crags of life throw us down a mountain side and smash our puny bodies on the sharpened spears of stone awaiting us there, eviscerating the poor fool who tried life's climb in the first place; but sometimes, once in a while, they open up on to a concealed valley filled with trees, fresh running water and beauty beyond hope or dream. Viva la chance dans million.

The trials of life will often help us grow and become better people. The trick is to not let the trials jade you against the rest of your life. You'll quickly become your own worst enemy.

In the news, hmm, news. The news has been canceled due to lack of interest. Perhaps there will be more later. At the moment, it would appear to be time for shopping. :-) (Hmm, forbidden materialism.)

Knowledge of self brings knowledge of life. Good hunting and Qapla'!

Ah, money. It drives society like nothing else. Would that it could be otherwise. What if sex were the determining factor instead? Instead of bribing someone with money, you could bribe them with a blow-job or a quicky in the back of your new SUV. Maybe you could even bribe someone with a good meal and a long night of throbbing passionate love-making. Of course, the standards of society would probably change, too. It would be "acceptable" to blow your boss for that raise kind of like taking him out to lunch is now. It would become acceptable to boink your foreman for a slightly easier job instead of slipping "him" a six-pack. Heck, you might even be able to pay a speeding ticket by balling the officer instead of worrying about showing up in court and getting "tied up" in the judge's chambers. :-) Ah, but then just about every one can have sex (evidenced by the large number of people in the world) and not everyone has money.

Perhaps we could use something like physical prowess. Instead of who has the most money having power, the one who is best at pugilism would be the head honcho. Just blip them on the head with your favorite battle axe and you can have whatever they had including their food, car, house; oh and don't forget the wife and kids. Of course, there are problems with that. People who beat up on other people tend to go on journeys involving a lot of duckweed. (Thank you, A. A. Milne) In other words, a bunch of little people get together and beat the living snot out the bully. Besides, would you really like someone like Mike Tyson ruling over you?

So, we're back to money and materialism. We're back to the theory that I'm better than you are because I have a bigger house or a faster car or because I can afford to snort more cocaine in an afternoon than you can. Maybe I'm better than you because my uncle Ned is the president of a really big law firm and I managed to get a corner office and make partner in 3 months even though I couldn't win a case against O.J. Simpson even if he confessed AND provided the blood soaked glove.

Well, who knows? Maybe, just maybe, we as a race of beings will come to understand that no one is better or worse than anyone else. Everyone truly is equal. Sure, some may be better at logic while others are better at artistry while others may have no perceptible talent whatsoever. It doesn't mean they're any less of a person or deserve to be treated any better or worse than anyone else. Of course, we'll probably always have our favorites; our spouses, our families, our closest and dearest friends, those with whom we travel through our lives, learning from one another, appreciating one another for the person that they are while still helping them to learn what they need to learn. Well, it's just a theory. You never know. It could happen.

(Heh, I told you I was bipolar.)

Once again I post from the bowels of my office. It almost never fails: If I'm in a good mood, I can come here and cure the problem. The displeasure of my existence here continues to increase, even after a thorn departed some days ago, unlikely to return. The work goes on. The politics go on. It matters not and it ends not. So why go on, I am forced to ask myself? If everything ahead is naught but toil and trouble, why continue to live and breathe? The answer is likely apathetic habit. The real answer is (hopefully) that hope has not yet died. I still have hope that I will find joy here; find a niche to which I am suited and which suits me. Time will tell and perhaps determination on my part. (We are nothing if not persistent.)

In other news, I have finally managed to finish the Orc missions of Warcraft III (Yeah, whoop-de-do.) and a server I have been trying to find time to build for the last couple of months is finally up and running. Now it just needs to be configured. :p

As a parting thought for this evening, may you get what you want and may it not disappoint you overmuch.

Since one of my good friends blew my cover and told my spouse about this place, I'll have to be careful what I put up here or risk getting into very long and excruciating conversations about things that don't have any relevance what-so-ever. Na, just kidding. Don't feel bad, TL. I was going to show her sometime anyway. I just didn't have any thing of relevance yet.

However, hopefully you will forgive me as I am about to borrow your format...Twice.

Top 10 things I dislike about riding my bicycle home in the dark on a major 4-lane highway.

10. You guessed it, traffic.
9. Curbs that pretend their sidewalk ramps.
8. Pits that pretend their sidewalks.
7. Street lights that pretend to help you see.
6. Small children walking their bicycles and taking up the entire sidewalk.
5. Adults walking with headphones in their ears. (On your left...On your LEFT! ON YOUR LEFT!!!)
4. Cars turning without turn signals.
3. Free running dogs trying to bite you.
2. Mosquitoes waiting at crosswalks.

and the number one thing I dislike about riding my bicycle home in the dark is:

1. Ya can't bloody see!

and

Top 10 things I Like about riding my bicycle home in the dark on a major 4-lane highway.

10. It's dark.
9. No one can see you.
8. You're invisible.
7. Even when your light is on, you're invisible.
6. Only the bugs know you're there.
5. And there are fewer of them than in the evening.
4. Sanity takes a holiday.
3. Every crosswalk could be your last.
2. Death is but a heartbeat away (okay, maybe two heartbeats depending on how fast you're pedaling.

and the number one thing I Like about riding my bicycle home in the dark is:

1. The expansion of the senses from simply two dimensional sight to the three dimensions of hearing, the sense of balance, the feeling of the darkness all around you, the depth of the air against your skin, the reliance on things not noted by the five "normal" senses....Did I mention it was dark?

I find that family is rather like sour gummy bears: You really have to be in the right mood to deal with them, sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I really care about my family, but sometimes, they can be a little much to handle all at once. I find it similar to taking more than one or two Altoids at the same time: It's a shade overwhelming.

In other news, Death has decided to avoid knocking on my door for at least one more day. I don't expect him to come knocking any time soon, but it's always nice to have tea and biscuits ready, just in case.

Editing web pages in pure text gives one a sense of empowerment. Of course, it's only a sense of empowerment. There is no actual empowerment. Now programming in binary code...that's empowering. Unfortunately, I'm afraid I wouldn't know for sure though, as the lowest level programming I've ever done was Assembly and even then it was only very basic. (Uh ha! No pun intended.)

I like to think of myself as tolerant when all is said and done. I have nothing against gay men and two of my closest friends happen to be lesbians. I must admit, I’m not completely comfortable around black people, but I honestly think that’s because I’m worried I’ll do or say something incredibly stupid and perpetuate the perception that white people consider black people inferior. I don’t, nor do I consider people who are not white less human. But, I was brought up in a very monochromatic world and thus have insufficient experience. That being said, I do seem to have some serious problems with the intellectually challenged. Maybe it’s because I’ve almost always been around people who were smarter or better than I was. The perception is, if I can do it, you sure as hell aught to be able to do it because everyone else I’ve been around certainly can and I’m on the bottom of the stack. Oh well, more lessons to learn, more experiences to have. Let those who are, be. Change them not, unless you are sure they want changing.

“Phenomenal Cosmic Power...itty bitty living space.” – The Genie from Aladdin.

New hardware brings new challenges, but for the most part, things are good. My surround speakers are finally being utilized in the way in which they were intended. I’ll have to do some testing when all concerned would not be disturbed by the sound.

Confusion still lays hold of my heart. That which is and that which is not blend together to form perception. Is the grass really greener on the other side of the fence and where is the fence; better yet, is the fence even really there? Who knows? I certainly don’t. All of life is an illusion and the illusionists are we. We weave our own webs of deception for ourselves to believe that what we see is either better or worse than it really is. I find myself asking the purpose of life and so often I find no answer. Maybe Richard Bach was right. We are here and live for one of two reasons: Education or Entertainment. Here’s hoping for the best of both in every experience.

"Every person, all the events of your life, are there because you have drawn them there.
What you choose to do with them is up to you."

and (since such things often find themselves in conversation)

"Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years."
- both from "Illusions, The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah"

There is a fine line between writing something of consequence or at least waning interest and writing complete nonsense. This post is likely to be the latter.

The human heart is a dangerous item, for although it guides many folk to doing that which is "good" and/or "right", it can also acquire a blackened covering, which hardens it and makes it less palatable. It's rather like toast. When it's done right, you can do all sorts of great things with it. Unfortunately, if you put it in the toaster too long without checking it, it becomes black and crusty with maybe just a little bit worth eating near the middle. If it is done just right, you are more than willing to carefully spread a little butter or jam on it and give it to someone. If it's all nasty and burned to a crisp, you just throw it on the table and pretend that you like it that way, daring anyone to say that they don’t, even when deep down inside, you prefer it soft and juicy and are sorry that it turned out this way. Even when it is done just right, unless you use it, it gets hard and unyielding. When this happens, even coating it with sweet things can’t hide the problem. If you leave it alone for too long, it can actually become moldy and completely inedible. At that point, it’s either duck food or compost.

The wonderful difference is, the human heart is ever renewing. Even if it has become as black as the ace of spades, even if it is harder than dwarf bread (which is more accurately “fired” as opposed to baked and often makes excellent edged weapons), if you let it open, there is almost guaranteed to be a portion which is still good and still usable. Unlike toast, instead of being consumed when it is used, it actually increases and grows upon itself, feeding not only your own soul but those around you, too. Isn’t it amazing that something so unusual exists within our very grasp to use for the increase of love and joy in the world? Give it away, for surely more will come back to you than you can ever imagine; and even if those you give it to throw it on the floor and stomp it on, again, unlike bread, you can pick it up, dust it off and give it to someone else. Sure it hurts, but most things worth doing hurt at some point.

In short, become an expert at making toast but be careful with the toaster.

Main Entry: meet
Pronunciation: 'mEt
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): met /'met/; meet·ing
Etymology: Middle English meten, from Old English mEtan; akin to Old English gemOt assembly

1: A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
2: A place to acquire cookies and coffee.
3: A place to catch up on sleep.
4: A place in which to do research on what a "glazed look" is really like.
--
Meet for meat, otherwise skip'em.

Color can make a difference in walls, ceilings, floors and counter tops. It alters mood, sometimes for the better and sometimes not. I am not sure how or why it would make a difference on a computer case in a vault where it is only seen once a week at best and more likely, once a month or whenever a problem is noted. Call me crazy (you wouldn't be the first), but I do not believe that it matters.

Bike rides are fun: 7.49 miles in 30 minutes, 34 seconds.

Sometimes, the incessant screech of the brain deafens the heart to what it knows to be true. Listen carefully, lest you lose your humanity and become a machine of pure logic, lost to the everyday wonders of the world.