Zazen - The practice of meditation in the Zen attitude. How truly T'ai Chi follows and is an ideal example of Zazen. Its calming effect is greater than anything else I have ever experienced save possibly the truly deep conversation held with a friend and that is of a different nature. I am blessed to know of this and even more blessed to be able to practice it. Though it is unlikely that I will ever master it while in life, the comfort which is derived from the practice of it far exceeds anything tried to date.

Be well my friends who read this and even those who don't. Be well my enemies. May you find the grace to forgive me. Be well all others. May you all find fortune at every turn.

Did you ever have that expectant feeling? It's rather like knowing that lightning is going to strike but not being sure when or where or who's going to get hurt. This state of being exists in my psyche at this time. Why? Ah, now there's the question of the hour. If that knowledge were imparted to me, much rest would I be able to endure.

It would be so much easier if I could adopt the true Zen Buddhist outlook on life and not attach myself to anything, and at the same time, care for all living things knowing that we are all joined. Thus what harms one of us harms all of us, from a certain point of view. Alas, as I have oft been told and have oft learned, there is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.

Well, T'ai Chi practice aside, it's time for the soft petals of the night-flower to close in upon themselves covering the eye and allowing the state of slumber to ensue.

The movement of large objects along with the destruction of various walls within my work area have combined to create an interesting* environment. Although fraught with strife in that the noise and the dust and the foul attitude of the indolent workers are more prevalent than perhaps what we would like, we have been promised that it will soon end. For myself and having had some small experience in such things in past, I'll believe it when I see it.

* Interesting can have many meanings.

In other news, the weather gets colder, generally speaking. Of course, this isn't surprising as the weather tends to do that in late November. And, truth be told, the temperatures are fairly hospitable, all things considered. It could be much worse. The mid-teens at night and the low thirties during the day are, although not to the liking of some of my friends, still relatively civilized in the grand scheme of things. Still, when compared to Anchorage, Alaska, we're a bit chill. At present, we're 14 degrees cooler here than Anchorage and yesterday were 17 degrees cooler than their high temp. Thus, it could look a little bleak, depending on your point of view. Ah, but don't forget Antarctica. Their current temperature is -34 degrees Fahrenheit with a brisk wind chill of -78. So, if you think it's cold, just remember all those poor silly scientists freezing their tail-feathers off in the "tropical" south.

To what is this coming, then? Simple: Before you complain, always remember, it could be worse.

A long and tiring day draws nigh to a close. Too early did I arise this morn and depart for work and too late did I return, exhausted and extinguished. Alas but that I could rejuvenate completely from a little sleep and a little food. 'Tis not so for too long have I tried to do these things. The time draws nigh when choices must be made as to what to do and what not to do. Alas, for much do I enjoy my leisure. I fear it will be the first to go.

And now the cyclic pattern of rest and recuperation must begin again. Peace to you and may your circles be every towering spirals.

Did you ever get the feeling that you went into the wrong line of work? Today, I watched a furnace service individual check my filter, loosen 4 bolts to tip out the fan, apply a small amount of oil to the motor of said fan, clean the water panel and visually inspect my furnace chimney. This took him (including the time to look for his misplaced nut driver) about half an hour. For his troubles, $85. Now I'm sure he doesn't get all of that, but even a third is more than I make and I went to college. *shrug* Oh well. It could be a lot worse. I could have to put up with people like me watching over my shoulder while I worked on a furnace and asking silly questions like how the humidistat works.

In other news, I had demonstrated to me today that there are, indeed, no such things as coincidences. This was demonstrated by a ripped pair of T'ai Chi pants. By the simple "misfortune" of ripping said pants while executing Snake Creeps Down, I was able to help someone who desperately needed some history for 20th century Taekwondo by happening to be in the YMCA lobby when he needed it. Had I remained in class, I never would have met or helped him. This same pair of ripped pants also caused me to be early arriving home to meet said service person (above). He arrived 10 minutes early. This same pair of pants also allowed me to run a load of dishes thus earning kudos from my spouse. This same pair of pants will also legitimize the acquisition of a new uniform. This same pair of pants will also allow me to gift the very usable top to a dear friend who is, shall we say, mismatched between pants and top. So, as you can see, there is no such thing as a coincidence, demonstrated by a pair of pants.

Ah, the thought of sleep. It beckons and I obey.

Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink. Well, okay, I guess I could have drank it if I'd wanted to do so, but, bleck! Isn't it interesting that basements, being the lowest part of the house are not better equipped to deal with water? After all, gravity, being what it is, tends to cause water to seek the lowest place, in this case, my basement. One would think that there would be a drain installed in every basement so that in just such a situation, the water would be able to go somewhere other than on to the carpet. Of course, in an ideal world, waste lines from water softeners would never leak and thus such things as drains would never be needed. Ha!

Life is so unusual some days. No matter how deeply you bury yourself in something, it always has a way of letting you know that it's there. It finds a loop-hole in your protective logic and pokes at you through it. That being said, I think the confusion is about to start again. *sigh* May I be given the strength to endure it better this time.

Circular is life. Circular is everything. You never see a planet orbiting a star at right-angles, only circles (or, more accurately, ellipses). The point is, we go around and around and around. Oft times it seems that we sit'n spin while trying to go somewhere or do something in our lives. We start out and find that we come back to our starting point even though we thought we were going straight toward our goal. The difference is, we now have experience. In theory, we should be able to try to proceed toward our given goal again having learned from our past actions. This may not land us where we want to be either, but it should help us gain even more experience. After all, experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

In truth, I like to think of life as a spiral. Yes, from one perspective, we circle again and again, but from another perspective, we change height each time we pass a given point. If you can think of a stationary tornado, this example may make more sense. Although an object caught in the outside stream of the tornado would appear (from the top of the tornado) to only be going around in a circle, an observer from the side would note that the object was also going up. Thus, each time the object passed over point X on the ground, it is actually further above the point and thus would have a slightly different perspective on point X as well as anything else it could see. I think this may fall into the same categorical concept as never being able to set foot in the same river twice. By the time you can step in again, that portion of the river has moved on and the whole of the river is different for it.

So, what the heck does all this mean? Who knows? I'm simply trying to make sense of what I observe in my life. As far as I know, we could each be going in tight little circles (not spirals) and this could be Hell or Purgatory. Personally, however, I'm going to try to look on the bright side of things, at least for now.

Faith can be harder to grasp than color to the congenitally blind. Never-the-less, faith we must have for life to have that sought-after meaning. May it always be present in your life and seldom be misplaced in your fellow human beings.

Ah, mundania. 'Tis true that most of life is filled with the day to day drivel of day to day life: paying the bills, washing the clothes, eating, drinking, driving from one point to another, cleaning up water from a mildly mucked up water-softener waste line, etc., etc., etc. There's no hope of an end other than the end of one's own life. That being said, there are certain joys that come to light from time to time, too: time spent with a long-held friend, making love to one's spouse in a hot tub, playing video games with a nephew, trying a new night club, even if the music is too loud, learning how to start a one-match (no paper) fire, chatting with a nice person at Fazoli's. These things are the sugar in the oatmeal, the honey in the tea or the jam on the bread of life. They're what make it all worth it some times, even if everything isn't as you would have it, it can still be okay, depending on how you look at it.

Life means something. Figuring it out is the fun part.

I found this quote particularly inspiring:

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." -Viktor Frankl, author, neurologist and psychiatrist, Holocaust survivor (1905-1997)

I wonder why I almost always only write here when I'm depressed. Perhaps it's because I don't feel that I have the right to be happy. I explored this conversation with a true friend recently and tried to explain why I didn't feel that I had the right to be happy. Initially, I couldn't explain it. I think eventually the conversation sidled around to guilt. I felt guilty for being happy because there are so many people who are not happy. Interesting. Why would I want to try and take responsibility for something with cannot possibly be mine? Who knows? The logic which I try to employ most of the time certainly isn't there. So, who knows? Maybe with a little time, I will be able to allow myself some true happiness in the near future.