Crisis of faith

This last week, something occurred which has never occurred to this degree before. I considered ceasing the teaching of Taekwondo. I considered so heavily as to actually call a fellow instructor and ask if she would take my classes in future. I can't go into all the reasons I chose to quit here as some of the information is private to say the least, but suffice it to say that "political" issues have caused me to be somewhat less popular in certain circles. My life choices have caused a few eyebrows to raise as well. Personally, I think certain people should keep their fucking noses to themselves and out of my business. It would also be nice if they kept their opinions to themselves and away from my students. A true pity those people don't actually know about (let alone read) my blog, not that they'd ever get the hint, anyway. They have an affliction known as self-righteousness. I pray they are never tested or they may fall well short of their own mark.

So I asked my colleague and she requested time to think about it. I agreed and then on Thursday, she called me back and said that she would take my classes. It stung, to be honest. Every time I thought about it, it stung more until it reached full-fledged ache. I'd like to say that I was sensitive enough to listen to that and realize that I wasn't doing the right thing, at least not for the right reasons. I'd like to say that, but I seem to have this stubborn streak. It actually took the words of a former student of mine to allow me realize that the apparent "good" I was doing was sufficient to offset the crap I have to put up with from my peers and superiors. This former student of mine told me that I was the one who had truly helped her understand and learn the art. She told me that instead of acting as some and simply attempting to show off what I knew, I was actually able to help her grow and excel at her techniques. That, in and of itself, made me feel very good indeed. She also told me that she was truly saddened to think of me not being in class or club, saddened to the point where she was crying. I was amazed to think that I had actually had that profound an effect on someone's life. It is so true that the student teaches the teacher as much as the teacher teaches the student. In this case, I'd say the student taught me more.

So, I went to my colleague, hat in hand, and begged her to let me have my classes back. She graciously agreed even though I know she rearranged her life to be able to do what I had asked. We have a few things to work out yet, but I'm confident that those will go smoothly.

Later, I talked to another of my students and when she found out that I had decided to quit and then relented, she thanked me profusely for not quitting. She confided that had I quit, she would have stopped practicing as well. I found this odd considering that she is now a deputy black belt likely to be testing for her fist degree in December. Maybe I really am having a positive effect on some of my students. *shrug* Maybe not. Who can say? Who can say what it would be like if I stopped in comparison to not stopping? I'm afraid I don't currently have the ability to consciously look forward into alternate reality branches and say one way or the other. The only thing I can say for sure is that I'm happy to be back, even though I technically never left. I dislike the paper work, but the rewards may just be worth it.